Funny Jokes

Do You Need Something to Tickle Your Funny Bones?

Funny Jokes:

I'm gaining weight doctor...

Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor.

Doctor: You should diet.

Trish: Really? What color?

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Chuck Norris Jokes:

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Strange Signs:

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH, BUT OUR PETROL IS.

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

Spotted in a toilet of a New York office building:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

Notice in a health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a National Park:
BEARS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Who is doing the work around here?

The population of the United States was 180 million at the time of the writing, but there are 64 million people over 60 years of age, leaving 116 million to do the work.

People under 21 total 59 million which leaves 57 million people to do the work.

Because of the 31 million government employees, there are only 26 million left to do the work.

Six million in the armed forces leave twenty million workers

Deduct 17 million State, County, and City employees, and we are left with three million to do the work.

There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, and treatment facilities leaving half a million workers.

However, 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not work, leaving 50.000 to do the work.

Now, it may interest you to know that there are 49,998 people in jail, so that leaves just 2 people to do all the work, and that is you and me, and I'm getting tired of doing everything myself!

Funny Quotes and Famous Quotes

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
- Jackie Mason

I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers

Be the change that you want to see in the world.
- Gandhi

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary be rich
-Alan Alda

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.
-Calvin; Calvin and Hobbes

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
-Dale Carnegie

"There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side."
- Oscar Levant

Plenty of people miss their share of happiness, not because they never found it, but because they didn’t stop to enjoy it.
-William Feather

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year’s resolution.
- Jay Leno

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
–Unknown

I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
–Unknown

Used to be that my true love brought me chocolate. Now my true love IS chocolate.
- Unknown

I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. (Oh not deprived but rather underprivileged) Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary.
- Jules Feiffer

What happens to the hole when the cheese is gone?
- Bertolt Brecht

If you have some great clean & funny jokes, just send me an email. If I like it, I might publish it on my website. If you want, I will credit you with the joke. Who knows? You might become famous... (sort of)

All The Best!

Becky McClure

The Dream Tattoo Resource Expert

 

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